Il Bagno - What you see is not what you get

So I had a plumbing dilemma the other day, and went to the one place everyone I spoke to told me I would get the quality I was looking for, the imposing edifice on Lekki expressway that is home to Il Bagno, stockists of premium sanitary wares.

I must say, I was impressed when I arrived there; the well laid out parking, the interesting arrangement of the fluorescent lights at the reception, the quality of the products on the first floor. In fact it was so tush, you couldn't tell who was a customer and who was a client. "This is nice" I thought to myself, thinking I was in a place there I would be tended to by staff who were polite and competent. How wrong I was with the latter point.

So I was looking for two items; a shower head, and a bath anti-slip mat. Not to complicated you would think. Let's see how many errors you can spot in this sequence.

1. I was shown two options, one was 11k and the other over 18k. I would have preferred the one for 11k simply because I was paying over 7k more ($45) just for a soap tray that was no bigger in circumference than an ashtray.
2. I was told by the attendant that they only had the more expensive one in stock (convenient eh)
3. I then told them I would like to see either the two options of mats they had in stock (blue and fuchsia they said).
4. As I had to get something from the car, I asked that they create a user profile for me and get ready my invoice and the items, hoping to save some time as I was in a bit of a hurry.
5. When I get back, the attendant asks me (after creating the account) if I still wanted the goods. I bit my tongue and said yes, noting that he had not prepared anything else as I requested.
6. He then handed me an invoice with a shower head for just over 19k and I noticed that they had failed to inform me their prices were not VAT inclusive, so there was an extra charge on top of that!
7. Ah an oga, this is not what we agreed on now?! Turns out the didn't have the one he told me they had, but another one which he informed me was the same in every why, only that the water hose was slightly longer.
8. So I take a deep breath and pay, then we go down to collect the goods.
9. So I get downstairs, and after a few minutes, I am asked to come and sign for the goods which were already in nylon bag.
10. Another gentleman there thrusts a piece of paper in front of me and asks me to sign, and I in turn decided to be cheeky and asked if I could see the goods I was signing for first.
11. Two items as requested where in the bag, only that the mat was a clear tint and not fuchsia as I requested. I point this out to the dispatcher, who looks at me blankly, offering no help.
12. I decided that this actually worked better, and decided not to make a fuss and signed for the items and left.
13. The next morning I gave the shower fixtures to a plumber to install only to discover that the shower head that had been sold to me only had one shower mode, when the one I had asked for had 3!

If seemingly well educated people in a relatively high brow establishment can get such a simple order so wrong I really worry for the service industry in Nigeria. 

How was your day?

Back To Johnny's

Chopaholic writes -

So I had promised a friend that we'd go together to Johnny Rockets. Honest, that's the only reason that I went back there. Well that and their Oreo Cookie milkshake, or should I say Bluebunny ice cream shake. Again the lot was full with cars but the restaurant wasn't. I don't think they'll ever be able to fill those seats unless their customers come in buses instead of the jeeps and saloon cars that often have one or two people in them.

Anyways, back to the experience. So since I was back there, I thought that I should try their basic cheese burger to get a better feel for the quality of their food, and not some exotic variant. My pal had a chicken and barbecue toastie with BBQ sauce on the side. Now lets start with that. The sandwich looked very local, and I mean that in the Nigerian sense of the word. The bread was not the finest Lagos had to offer, and the presentation was more home made whilst rushing to catch the start of a football match than restaurant standard. The bacon was actually quite nice but the chicken was tasteless. Dipping it into the BBQ sauce helped some but in the end the meal was abandoned as it was not worth the calories. Indeed it was this same BBQ sauce that saved my cheese burger which would have been pretty bland otherwise. It didn't leave me licking my lips like a $15 burger I bought in a restaurant and not off hotel room service should. We shared the medium portion of chips which was alright but at $4? Crazy!

The drinks order was also quite an unnecessary production. We asked for a kids size strawberry milkshake ( a great way to save money on takeaways by the way) and a regular size Oreo cookie shake with malt. The lady brought us a kid size Oreo, so we told her to bring a same size strawberry shake. To my dismay it wasn't anywhere as thick as the first time and if this had been my first experience I would not have been so keen to come back.

At some point during the meal, the music was cranked up and all the staff came out to perform a rehearsed routine to Aretha Franklin's 'Respect'. I wish I could tell you how it was but after 10 seconds I couldn't bear to look. Like the waitress who drew a smiley face with ketchup in a bowl for us it was clear their hearts were not in it.

So all in all, nice decor, but too expensive, inconsistent and the food isn't really that good.

No Exit Through Here Please

So I had to do some last minute shopping yesterday morning. Well actually I had to drive a friend to do some last minute shopping, breadcrumbs and pasta for an Italian themed feast, and went to the nearest supermarket. She went in, and a few minutes later I went in to see if I could help. Help her, and maybe help myself to a few well deserved New Year snacks as well. I get in and she calls, seemingly done with shopping and back at the car, so I pirouette around and go back outside only to be confronted by the long arm of the law. Well actually, it was the not so long arm of the security guard, but still he felt sufficiently in charge to physically block me from exiting through the entrance that I had ventured less than two meters from and to go through the exit which was all the way at the other end of the store (at least a minutes walk to navigate my way over there).

As our little drama unfolded (him physically blocking the entrance to prevent me from leaving and others from entering the establishment) a gentleman in a white polo shirt walked up to the guard and asked for access to use the ATM just outside the entrance. With scarcely a pause in our animated conversation, he waved him buy and blocked my route to the door whilst the gentleman passed, all the while explaining to me how he was doing his job by not allowing me use the entrance as an exit. Now, like you are undoubtedly right now, I was bemused and perplexed by what had just unfolded, and now insisted vehemently that I will pass through entrance. He kept his power show up but as I persisted that I now wanted to use the ATM, another worker walked over to enquire what was causing the fuss. After I explained to him the situation, it was clear that he could not defend his colleague and suggested he allowed me to use the ATM like I insisted. The obdurate guard insisted that as I had not told him initially that I wanted to used the ATM, he would not allow me to go bye. At this point, I suggested to him that by denying me access to the ATM like the other patron, he was suggesting that I was being disingenuous in my request. At this point it was check-mate as calling me a liar without grounds would be too far beyond his remit of power.

A few minutes later, whilst withdrawing cash that I did not exactly need but was useful in replenishing a wallet lighted by spreading the season’s cheer to guards very much like the man I had just encountered, I felt oddly justified. If felt like a  good way to start the year, standing up for customer service and not swallowing the crap that is often served up to us in a daily basis. My parting shot to him was 'you have to be consistent'. Let's all try to stay consistent in being reasonable, discerning customers that demand our rights wherever we go.

How was your day?

Johnny Rockets takes off?

I heard from my friends that is was expensive. A minimum of 5k per head if you want a burger with chips. 5k! That’s 20 English Pounds or 30 American Dollars! For that kind of money I expect valet parking, or any type of parking for that matter, and for a fast food joint they had very little space. How do I know? I went of course! Not even 5k will keep me from at least going once, which is what most of the people I spoke to have said will be all they can support.

Back to the parking; nestled on a small plot opposite Ocean View on Adetokumbo Ademola street in Victoria Island in Lagos, the first of Johnny Rockets five proposed outlets in Nigeria has parking for only about a dozen cars. If the vehicles are any more, the patrons come into the conflict with the parking attendants for the back beside the outlet, and sometimes cause a nuisance to traffic on the road. How they received planning permission I guess is less surprising, we've seen worse. Once inside, the ambiance is designed to take you back to a 1950s American diner, and it largely delivers. You are warmly greeted and the menu only betrays the location with the inclusion of jollof rice on the menu.

However, the aspect of their offering that really blows one away is the prices! A quick comparison. A Smoke house single burger (my burger of choice) in a Johnny Rocket's outlet in NY is about 10 dollars. In Lagos it’s fifteen. I had an Oreos Cookies and Cream milkshake which set me back thirteen dollars (adding malt would have set me back an additional 2 dollars) but would have cost only six dollars and thirty-nine cents in New York. Fries were four dollars for a medium order and six for a large so I gave that a miss, paid my 4.5k and disappeared into my car to avoid being towed as I had parked in front the neighbouring bank (naughty) and arrived at my vehicle to be berated by the parking attendant responsible for the area, who fortunately for me was not at his post when I parked.

I would give the smokehouse burger a miss next time. It was huge, a decent portion, but tasted like it had blue cheese when the menu offered cheddar, a worrying sign. I would have preferred to have a smaller burger at a more reasonable price as not many can match Chopaholic's prowess and even I struggled. Now the milkshake on the other hand, was just how I like it. Thick, creamy and delivered the flavour it promised. Now then next day I went back to get one for a friend (I know I know I said only once) and of course was going to get one for my self just to confirm my first impressions, but alas they were out! Still I discovered the secret of their success (Blue bunny Ice Cream) as the manager revealed that their local supplier had let them down. So I guess I could make them for myself at home, for much less and in healthier portions than they offer.

So all in all, if you want to go to a place where parking is hassle but you are assured of a seat inside (there is less parking than the occupancy inside) and pay well over the odds for a mediocre burger (I'll try the original if I ever go back and let you guys know if it's any good) then perhaps this is the place for you.

Happy New Year!

Half Mast

Halfcocked, half baked, half arsed. What is it in our psyche that makes the collective sum of our efforts around these parts lend themselves to adjectives so far from superlative in a positive sense? We manage, we make do, we endure. When will we start to excel, and lead, and innovate? When will that be said of me, of you, of us?

Just about a week ago, we came to the end of a sequence of events that is worse than anything that  InsideLagos has seen in the decades God has spare our lives. Horrific accidents, bomb blasts, plane crashes; one didn't know where to too look for there was tragedy everywhere. Saddest of all, there was no great surprise, no shock to accompany the grief. The events that we witnessed where not entirely unexpected, because we pay in full for roads that are half fixed, we protect the populace with a conviction that is half hearted, and we fly in planes that are probably cleared for service after being half checked. With this antecedence failure is inevitable in the end, but the incidence of failure is much greater when things are consistently mediocre in execution.

Over the same weekend the English honoured their Queen with a glorious spectacle that was the envy the world over, we licked our wounds and picked up the pieces of those lost too soon. God is in control I agree, but He does not make choices for His created likeness. We are the ones who mess up.

Even with the flag and the pledge and the cultures and language and religions we have in common, it is clear that more often than not, most Nigerians stand alone. Yes we have surface affiliations and are even sometimes actively nepotistic, but a true sense of community and servitude for the greater good is clearly missing in our national psyche.

So as the Queen is deservedly celebrated for six decades of dedication to public service, let us look for once away from the failings in Government, and look at our selves. Lets us try to be a little better tomorrow, not just for our own interests, but consider the needs of the neighbours around us. Let us be more meticulous, think a little more about how to do things better, be fair in our dealings, be considerate when driving, clean our surroundings. Lets start to build something that would make life better for everyone, just for tomorrow. And if we can do that, lets try and do that the next day, and then the next. Then maybe, just maybe someday, our children we have a legacy that would make our flag deserve to fly as high as the British did last Sunday. For now, only half mast is appropriate.

How not to drive

Grew up in Lagos Second word was danfo after NEPA Developed morbid fascination for the yellow death traps. Dreamed of owning an okada at age 5. Outgrew that dream by age 7 after the houseboy had a ghastly accident. Learned how to 'move' the car at age 12 from mummy's illiterate driver. Stopped burning the clutch by age 15 (if you were not lucky enough to have access to an automatic). "Mirror, signal, maneuver?". That's your system for calling babes over to offer them a ride, nothing rondo with safe driving. 'Chooking head' is the only legitimate way to enter an intersection. Giving way to traffic on the left is wimpish. Roundabouts were clearly meant for testing people's brakes. There's no slow lane or fast lane, you over take on any clear lane. An amber light to you means speed up, not slow down. You didn't even see the zebra crossing. Signs? What signs? LASTMA officials are there to interrupt your phone calls when you hide your handset as you pass them by. Keeping to your lane on a roundabout? What's that? Using the left most lane to exit at the first turningn on a roundabout is beyond Lagos drivers it seems. Squeezing into the 'safety' distance left by that Egbert driver and making him slam on the brakes is just good sense. Trafficating before I change lane, I'm too smart for that! The speed limit for any road is determined by the condition of the road and the engine in your car. Right of way is determined by the size of you vehicle. If more two of these resonate with you, you are most likely a Lagos driver. And guess what? YOU CAN NOT DRIVE! Don't pass go and head straight to the nearest driving school. And oh, try not to scratch any cars on the way. So Lagos, what have your fellow drivers done to upset you today?

Electronic Money

Sometimes we don't know how good we have it. When the Nuban number  system was being introduced, InsideLagos like the rest of us obviously didn't read the small print. We thought that this was just another harebrained scheme to fritter away public funds and line private pockets. How wrong we were. Instant interbank transfer! I have it on good authority that there are some 1st world countries today who have still not managed this feat. We thought that two day clearing was neat (though a bit annoying as you have less time to confirm a cheque before it is returned), and same day international transfers were even better. Even the NEFT/NIBSS same day transfer was a real treat. But instant transfers? Out of this world! Inside Lagos is pleased.

One area that has been very aggressive in their marketing of new products to customers have been the banking industry, and we have seen some astonishing features in the offerings of our financial institutions. Sleek web pages, funky tokens, services such as visa or bill payments, all delivered with the style and panache that only Nigerians can deliver.

So well done CBN; well done banks. This is one area where Nigerians can boast of good service and ample choice so please keep up the good work.