Half Mast

Halfcocked, half baked, half arsed. What is it in our psyche that makes the collective sum of our efforts around these parts lend themselves to adjectives so far from superlative in a positive sense? We manage, we make do, we endure. When will we start to excel, and lead, and innovate? When will that be said of me, of you, of us?

Just about a week ago, we came to the end of a sequence of events that is worse than anything that  InsideLagos has seen in the decades God has spare our lives. Horrific accidents, bomb blasts, plane crashes; one didn't know where to too look for there was tragedy everywhere. Saddest of all, there was no great surprise, no shock to accompany the grief. The events that we witnessed where not entirely unexpected, because we pay in full for roads that are half fixed, we protect the populace with a conviction that is half hearted, and we fly in planes that are probably cleared for service after being half checked. With this antecedence failure is inevitable in the end, but the incidence of failure is much greater when things are consistently mediocre in execution.

Over the same weekend the English honoured their Queen with a glorious spectacle that was the envy the world over, we licked our wounds and picked up the pieces of those lost too soon. God is in control I agree, but He does not make choices for His created likeness. We are the ones who mess up.

Even with the flag and the pledge and the cultures and language and religions we have in common, it is clear that more often than not, most Nigerians stand alone. Yes we have surface affiliations and are even sometimes actively nepotistic, but a true sense of community and servitude for the greater good is clearly missing in our national psyche.

So as the Queen is deservedly celebrated for six decades of dedication to public service, let us look for once away from the failings in Government, and look at our selves. Lets us try to be a little better tomorrow, not just for our own interests, but consider the needs of the neighbours around us. Let us be more meticulous, think a little more about how to do things better, be fair in our dealings, be considerate when driving, clean our surroundings. Lets start to build something that would make life better for everyone, just for tomorrow. And if we can do that, lets try and do that the next day, and then the next. Then maybe, just maybe someday, our children we have a legacy that would make our flag deserve to fly as high as the British did last Sunday. For now, only half mast is appropriate.

How not to drive

Grew up in Lagos Second word was danfo after NEPA Developed morbid fascination for the yellow death traps. Dreamed of owning an okada at age 5. Outgrew that dream by age 7 after the houseboy had a ghastly accident. Learned how to 'move' the car at age 12 from mummy's illiterate driver. Stopped burning the clutch by age 15 (if you were not lucky enough to have access to an automatic). "Mirror, signal, maneuver?". That's your system for calling babes over to offer them a ride, nothing rondo with safe driving. 'Chooking head' is the only legitimate way to enter an intersection. Giving way to traffic on the left is wimpish. Roundabouts were clearly meant for testing people's brakes. There's no slow lane or fast lane, you over take on any clear lane. An amber light to you means speed up, not slow down. You didn't even see the zebra crossing. Signs? What signs? LASTMA officials are there to interrupt your phone calls when you hide your handset as you pass them by. Keeping to your lane on a roundabout? What's that? Using the left most lane to exit at the first turningn on a roundabout is beyond Lagos drivers it seems. Squeezing into the 'safety' distance left by that Egbert driver and making him slam on the brakes is just good sense. Trafficating before I change lane, I'm too smart for that! The speed limit for any road is determined by the condition of the road and the engine in your car. Right of way is determined by the size of you vehicle. If more two of these resonate with you, you are most likely a Lagos driver. And guess what? YOU CAN NOT DRIVE! Don't pass go and head straight to the nearest driving school. And oh, try not to scratch any cars on the way. So Lagos, what have your fellow drivers done to upset you today?

Electronic Money

Sometimes we don't know how good we have it. When the Nuban number  system was being introduced, InsideLagos like the rest of us obviously didn't read the small print. We thought that this was just another harebrained scheme to fritter away public funds and line private pockets. How wrong we were. Instant interbank transfer! I have it on good authority that there are some 1st world countries today who have still not managed this feat. We thought that two day clearing was neat (though a bit annoying as you have less time to confirm a cheque before it is returned), and same day international transfers were even better. Even the NEFT/NIBSS same day transfer was a real treat. But instant transfers? Out of this world! Inside Lagos is pleased.

One area that has been very aggressive in their marketing of new products to customers have been the banking industry, and we have seen some astonishing features in the offerings of our financial institutions. Sleek web pages, funky tokens, services such as visa or bill payments, all delivered with the style and panache that only Nigerians can deliver.

So well done CBN; well done banks. This is one area where Nigerians can boast of good service and ample choice so please keep up the good work.

Dirty Money

The Naira makes the phrase 'filthy lucre' take on a very literal meaning. Why is Nigerian money so dirty though? We had experimented with polymer notes and it seems that experiment went well, though it could be that these denominations are so low they are too unpopular to be passed through many hands. Still if the experiment was successful, this concept should be rolled out to some of the other notes, and quickly too!

If the CBN was really serious about a cashless (or is it cashlite) Lagos, all they have to do is let people in on what is actually on the money we carry around in our purses and wallets. That would get the cheque books out and the number of ATM card applications up real quick! Indeed, if politicians could be sufficiently put off with health risks we could see a marked reduction in Ghana-must-go bags stuffed with our local currency. Wishful think I know, but still we can dream can't we.

So what do you think Lagos? Should we change the material of our currency, redenominate it or leave the status quo?

Still Speaking About National Carriers...

There has been a lot of talk about the cost of flights out of our very own MMA to London. There has been even more high level posturing between officials on both sides of the divide, with even our own GEJ and the British prime minister weighing in with veiled and open threats. InsideLagos has watched with amusement this ongoing debate which has generated a lot of copy for the newspapers.

The truth is, with all the bruhaha about exploitation and neocolonialism, this root cause of the source of our umbrage can be found in any class of economics 101. Remember the lesson on supply and demand or where you to busy doodling or staring out of the window at playing field outside? Well if you paid attention it would be clear to see that is what drives this outcome, nothing else. What hasn't been highlighted is that economy seats are the same price or even slightly cheaper from Lagos to London than from Accra, even though we have a higher tax rate on our fares. The situation is reversed slightly with the premium seats, and by the time we get to business class, one then sees the disparity that has everyone is up in arms. The reality is that we have too many government officials going on frivolous trips in business and first class seats paid for by our Naira and Kobo, accompanied with a retinue of personal advisers and security operatives in the seats just behind them. We have too many companies flying staff around on leave and business, also in these expensive seats, eroding shareholder value with every air mile flown.

To start with we need more prudent policies on travel in government and private companies alike. We also need to expand our key airports (refurbishment is nice, but not enough) and create more landing slots to bring in more competition. Lastly we need to support our local airlines by patronage and promotion, to ensure more of our travel spend is retained in the local economy.

So how was your day Lagos?

National Carriers...

So have you finished basking in the glory of Nigeria's fight back to little big brother South Africa which resulted in the deportation of a plane load of our rainbow brethren in retaliation for the treatment meted out on our citizens in Johannesburg? Our very own Murtala Mohammed Airport was the backdrop to this sensational saga.  InsideLagos was unable to gain a full measure of satisfaction from this action. Not that we support the actions of the South African immigration officials. Indeed, unless they intended to start a diplomatic row their actions were at best foolhardy. But before we break out in argument about who has more to loose if there was a mass repatriation of personnel and funds,  let us categorically state that InsideLagos sees no winners in this melee. We both look like chumps, like little boys squabbling because one teased the other.

Yes, it was good to stand up for ourselves and protect our citizens. It is always a rare pleasure to see some action by the federal government, however token, that shows it cares in some small way for it's own. Like airlifting Nigerians from Libya during the crisis. Yes this is commendable. However like most things, Nigerians refuse to dig to the root of the issue and deeply examine what may have happened to kick off this saga in a dispassionate manner. Let us paint you a picture that might give some context.

Imagine you are a conscientious immigration official (I know this is hard to believe with our hoards of beggars in uniform, whom again our government have created by over bloating the civil service so much no servant earns a living wage as they divide the limited funds amongst real and ghost workers) on duty at the Joberg airport. It is late; you are hungry but before you can go for some pap and roast meat to revive your flagging stamina, the long delayed flight from Lagos finally arrives and catches you at your desk. You had been of half a mind to dash out to eat, but every time you asked the Nigerian airline officials if you had 15 minutes to get a quick bite you are told to wait for five more minutes as 'they are coming now now'. The first time they said that was an hour and a half ago.

So you are upset, very irritable and now here they come. Loud, noisy, and coming to disturb your peace. And now you need the toilet! Then they wave those green passports and tatty yellow cards at you and brazenly lie that they have valid documentation. Sure the visa is real, the passports maybe, but you are pretty sure that almost 90% of the yellow cards are fake. You've had enough. They lay claim to be the giant of Africa, the brightest and the best. They were the ones voted most likely to succeed in high school yet never delivered. Yet you know that, even though the infrastructure and progress in your land was built by European invaders, there are African countries whose indigenes are doing the continent proud and running their countries well. Giant of Africa! You can't even regulate something as simple as an inoculation card! Get out of my country! Get out! GET OUT!

Okay, we are being melodramatic. Still, how do we expect respect when we have a federal government incapable of regulating anything in this country. We don't know how to drive or the rules of the road, yet in the last 30 years 99% of Nigerians have gotten drivers licenses without being tested in theory or practise. Getting a Nigerian passport is as easy as paying the fee and sitting in line with a few forged papers. Quack universities are selling degrees both piecemeal and wholesale. Doctor's certificates cannot be verified as there is no system to do so. A yellow card costs less than N500, and what is even stranger is that Nigerians of all classes, even the most educated ones, have no qualms about stopping by that guy outside city hall to pick a fresh one up before they jet out. ID cards are a joke (someone faked a friend's fathers driver's license with his name and address, though he was 40 years younger, and used it to open accounts and obtain money from institutions his impostee also used) and we have post codes that no one uses. Know your customer? Hah! Our banks have no clue who we are or where we live. Getting references and guarantors is a sham as many a time the officials sign off on their clients applications. There is no national database for tax, health, birth, register professionals or any means of positively identifying citizens, and where partial ones exist they are not cross referenced. We were all told that phone lines would be cut off if we didn't register them and what happened? Nothing. We had just done a huge biometric exercise for the election yet the NCC didn't have access to any of the data and repeated a very expensive exercise.  Should we go on?

So Lagos, before we get too excited and shower the Minister of Foreign affairs with more that 15 minutes of fame and a national honour for kicking out those Boers, we should realise that absolutely nothing is being done to correct the ills that led to the situation that cause so much scorn to be poured on us. The yellow cards will still be fake, the officials will still beg us for 'something' as they check us in, and we would not have changed anything for the better, because we are satisfied with the way things are. Or are we? What are we, as Nigerians, and our aircraft carrying around the world?

What do you think Lagos?

Verbal Violation... With a Smile

Comedy in Nigeria, like telecoms and pure water, has been one of the rapid explosions in the social fabric of Nigeria and in particular Lagos. It is one of those things that we never really saw coming or believed could happen. Yet, just like mobile phones and those nasty plastic sachets that block many a drain in our cleaner and greener Lagos, we woke up and they were all over the place. They came in all shapes and sizes, of both genders and many hues, though strangely with a disproportionate number of waffi boys representing on the stage (must be something in the water). Like local musicians, they also have been embraced by the Nigerian public, though without the same level of adulation as master MC Ik aka Wildchild is often wont to complain about.

For some reason, pidgin English has been come the lingua franca of the trade, understood and accepted by all strata of society. This has brought about a very distinct local flavour to Nigerian comedy, still our comedians have delivered their material with a wit and intelligence that has pushed the boundaries but still remained generally respectful of their audiences. Sure, often the practitioners trade each others jokes and sometimes sound more local that they really are for authenticity; nevertheless they have fully established themselves as a key ingredient in the local entertainment scene, and are now exporting their craft to wider audiences.

So you can imagine our shock when at a recent comedy show we had to endure not one but three comedians that made jokes of various degrees of crassness about rape. And not in a sympathetic way either! The subject matter of the jokes varied slightly but the end result was that they all trivialised the all to real phenomenon of women being violated. What will be next Lagos? Jokes about child molestation? We had experienced this only once before, when a ex-comedian turned politician who came back for a cameo decided that jesting about women being violated by armed robbers was something the Lagos audience might find amusing. We had hoped it was a one off, but being one of the elder statesmen of the art, some of the younger pretenders seemed to have gained confidence from the fact he was not reprimanded and have now launched their own verbal assaults. Anyone who has been unfortunate enough to be connected in anyway with sexual assault or molestation will attest that only the truly depraved can find such a horror amusing.

So Lagos, the next time one any comedian mounts any of our local stages to spout such vitriol, please join us and resoundingly boo them off the stage.

Otherwise, how is your weekend going Lagos?

Flies of the road

What we should do, is set up a special lane at the toll gates with a guillotine conveniently placed at head height. Then we should round up all okada drivers that run red lights and force them to ride directly through this gauntlet, with a herd of berserk cattle driving them forward at their rears with whips on either side to drive them forward. We would all laugh and cheer as their heads are neatly lopped off by the sharp blade, counting each one as a triumph for sanity in our roads as it dropped and rolled down the street.

Too harsh? Well one can dream right. Is it really too harsh? What do you to do someone who seems to be looking to wreck not just your day but perhaps your whole life by their own careless, reckless actions. It seems to me that some of these suicide drivers have calculated the cost and perils of living and have decided they are better off if the lure you into plowing into them. That way, they get an all expense paid trip to Igbobi, and if they are fortunate enough to have you cause them to sleep in the Lord, a fat paycheck will be going to his family at your own expense. They are a convenient way of travel for many, but such a nuisance to peace and sanity one feels like swatting them as far away as possible when they swarm around the vehicle and try and squeeze past impossible spaces in traffic.

Or how else can one explain the way  these modern day dare devils ride. My first experience of a chauffered motocycle ride was serene and sedate. Wind blowing through my nappy hair as we sailed down the winding streets of the university campus. If the vehicle had fallen over, we would have rolled around in the grass and laughed merrily at our slight mishap. That's how safe it felt. These days, a ride with an okada driver is a gory joy ride, where your intimate chauffeur seems hellbent on decapitating you in one form or another. They ride down one way traffic, on the wrong side of the road, on sidewalks and over covered gutters. If you are a thrill seeker forget base jumping. A ride with a hungry okada man will scratch that itch for you, all for less than one hundred Naira.

Its no wonder so many states have banned or restricted their access. Perhaps an all out ban is too severe; still we need to start educating these young men for their own sakes as well as ours. For the next time an okada driver is sent flying through the air to an early grave or long stay in the hospital, as his colleagues swarm all around you it'll be hard to explain how you're not at fault. Indeed maybe we do need a ban. A ban of male okada drivers. Have women holding those handle bars, and the streets will be safer in an instant. The rides will be safer, the spare helmets nicely spritzed after each use (plastic hair cover optional) and you would be able to breath a little easier. The ettiquette for holding on would be trickier I admit, but not insurmountable. That's it; solved; women okada riders are the way forward. Yes, InsideLagos thinks women riders and dedicated motorcycle lanes will do the trick.

So what do you think?

A Whirlwind Weekend in Lagos (Part II)

The next morning started with a typical Lagos wedding. You know how it goes. Distant family that you haven't seen for yonks suddenly flood all available guest rooms the local clan have to offer. They come in droves, loud and ever present. The church was a typically sombre affair, with the groom looking as pleased as a Cheshire Cat and the bride demure and dazzling all at once.

The fun really started at the reception; first at the parking lot where twice the number of people that were at the church were already parked and installed in reserved seats in the crammed hall. The food had already started flowing and as soon as one had been seated the offers started coming in. Whether you wanted water, or juice or wine or beer or small chops or rice, or not, the required show of hospitality meant that one had all these delivered through the cramped spaces to an already heaving table. Seated around you were all the relatives, still picking their teeth from the last meal, whilst they scouted around with eagle eyes for the next unofficial course. The largess on ones table was of course directly related to how connected you were, or whether there was a big uncle on your table.  Alas, the table I was ushered to had little pull, nor did we have a waiter tipped off to ensure we were served all the banquet had to offer. The table next door was very well equipped with elderly relatives, and thus amala followed the rice course, and they were given ofada rice just after one of the waiters supervisors had come to inform the lady on my left that the service points were fresh out. A plate of chinese style party rice helped to take the edge off the hunger, and of course the obligatory comedian was on hand to keep the lips moving horizontally when they weren't chomping down on the food offerings. It was interesting to watch the faces of some of the guests, eyes darting around like twin gold fish towards every scrap or morsel that enters the space around them. Further entertainment came with the arrival of the bride and groom, dancing down the aisle with the abandon that only those who have just been lawfully given a license to act like jesters in royal garb with everyone required to say "aaah" throughout the day at everything they did.

The evening came, and it was $22 spaghetti on the menu (there is a separate post on that which you can check out - Twenty two dollar spaghetti). Not going to say more at this time. I've moved on and not sure I will be going back of my own volition. Then there was time for a movie with mixed sweet and salty popcorn for desert. I do like me some Silverbird Cinema, but the parking still sucks (InsideLagos thinks they should be shut down and forced to build a Mega-style multi story car park before they are allowed to reopen). The movie was good, though the hall was freezing (InsideLagos tip - if the hall is too cold or warm, the attendant just outside the door can adjust the temperature apparently). All it all a nice day. Silverbird still rocks, just wish they would sort out the parking.

And that was just the second day of the weekend!

Sunday started off with spiritual nourishment, then a private lunch, which was lovely but will not be critiqued on this forum (it was lovely by the way :)). The discovery of the day was that Bestfoods on Raymond Njoku sells fresh milk in bottles by the half dozen. The milk was sweet and creamy and delicious drizzled over some local ice cream and half a chocolate chip muffin from the Ice Cream Factory's treasure trove. An all local desert that was all bliss. Yum.

The evening was capped off with a feast for the senses, with Arise at Federal Palace Hotel, and a concert at Eko le Meridian. InsideLagos got complimentary tickets to both events, so I will give a limited review as one cannot hand on heart judge the value for money.

Arise was a typical ThisDay event. Lots of flash and glitter, and it was obvious lots of money was spent. And of course, it started late, the ticketing stations were rather porous, the drinks at the 'cocktail' were in limited supply and there was a mad rush get in and it was fortunate no one got trampled on. Talk about death by Jimmy Choo! The place was packed with fashion conscious and trendy people. You know, guys in yellow skin tight trousers and ladies with mardi-grasesque make up. The show itself was fine, when it started. Again, typically it didn't follow the program. Still looking around you could have been anywhere in the world, so fair dues to ThisDay for setting up a decent ambiance. It was one of those experiences you find yourself watching on TV and thinking to yourself that it looks better than it really was. InsideLagos thinks this is the predecessor to what will be a vibrant Fashion Week in Lagos. Didn't see the need for the foreign designers though. Not being zenophobic, but they mostly came with their winter collections! At least they could have made the effort to be more climate friendly with their garb. It was interesting to see the crowd response though. The applause, the cheering, the chinning of certain international models (not sure what that was about!). I guess Lagosians just have to do things their own way. The gimmicks were amusing too - the twins' violin entrance, the pretty model who bounced down the runway, the ladies walking at a 70 degrees incline, the poor child that was dragged out past his bedtime and the old man and the pram. It was nice to see some creativity in the presentation, though unfortunately many of the models were wearing the wrong size clothes which didn't flatter the designs.

The night and weekend, was rounded off at the 9ice concert. It was the same venue as the BBD/Bobby Brown concert. There was some thought and creativity put into the stage design and production, but perhaps not as slick as two nights before. The guest artists (of which there were many (Wizkid, P Squared, Tiwa Savage, Don Jazzy and some others) seemed to be more of the main attraction than the headline act. Still with DJ Jimmy Jatt on the decks all in all it was a good night out.

Let it not be said there isn't anything to do in Lagos. It was as struggle to fit it all in!

So, how was your day?

A Whirlwind Weekend in Lagos (Part I)

Lagos rocks baby!
 
The weekend started on a bit of a downer however. A young professional, cut off in their prime; people dressed in black under an unforgiving sun; hot tears flowing freely and mixing indistinguishably with beads of sweat. A reminder of mortality, of destiny, a reawakening of the desire for purpose. The family was stoic; sharing words of comfort from the Good Book; comforting those who should be comforting them. I took a deep breath, and recognized that it was easier to do so because of the serene, calm environment. The Vault and Gardens has brought increased dignity to an all too often shame free rite. No one will begrudge the flailing and wailing and rolling on the ground. The order of the place though seems to constrain the proceedings to be more justified. No rating here. Its not needed and would actually be disrespectful. It was a befitting arena for a solemn sendoff.

There rest if the day as a bit of a blur. Banks, brokers and bills filled the agenda. The evening had more interesting offerings. New Edition were in town! Well the poster said New Edition, but as we rolled up to venue late afternoon to secure entry, we were surprised to but not hugely let down to see that it was Bobby Brown and BBD on the bill. "Ralph Tresvant is on parole and Johnny Gill has tax issues so they can't leave the states", the lady at the stand said. Somehow, I wasn't going to bet the mortgage on the veracity of her words, but it didn't matter; they weren't there. She handed us off to one of her minions when she saw our reaction to her pitch for VIP seats (So we reset our mental playlist, and rued for a minute the songs were weren't going to hear, and determined to enjoy the hits on offer. Poison and My Perogative were anthems that were on many a bucket list to be heard live. Well maybe not on the bucket list, but if there was a spare line and they were coming to town they it might sneak on.

We sat by the water, eating hard suya and sipping cold drinks and marveling at how little activity was by the water in a city that had miles and miles of internal and external coastlines. You'd think that Lagos was a landlocked state by how little water played a part in our transportation, food and recreation. The only buildings that could be enjoyed on the water front were the Zenon and Radisson Blue buildings. (☀ InsideLagos hopes for... a day when Lagos beaches are as celebrated as Rio's and our waterfront as beautiful as Little Venice). It was such a lovely way to pass time, and I will urge all Lagosians to attempt to spend sometime by a body of water at least once a month.

We moved on to the venue. Eko Hotel was eerily deserted, even at the late hour we arrived. We find a mole is useful for these type of events. Usually someone who is too conscientious to be late for anything (even when then know it would not start on time!) is a safe moral choice. This way there is no exploitation, everyone gets the satisfaction they want. We had just missed Mode 9, and there was a very energetic dance troop on stage when we walked in. Usually, I usually have to squint to stop my self from cringing when watching local performance, but I have been very impressed with the quality of the dance crews I have seen in recent times. These were excellent, with high precision and invention in every performance. It was a great way to segue from one performance to another, and I must say this was probably the best show I have seen apart from maybe the Fela musical in Lagos. The set was creative and well executed, the continuity was almost flawless, but what really blew me away was the sound! The sound was the best I have ever heard at a Nigerian concert, and I have been to a few. The performances from Waje was great, but Omawumi was a blast on stage. The ex reality show singer really seems to enjoy herself on stage. And it wasn't that she was feeding off the crowd, as for all the time and attention and care that was put into the stage production, the promoters R28 missed a trick somewhere in the publicity. Shame though, as it really was well put together.

Banky W also did his thing, crooning to a willing damsel to get his crowed feedback. Then came the main events. BBD, as respectful to their audience and New Edition always are, launched into hit after hit after hit. They started with, with "I thought it was me" and ending with "Poision", routinely causing the crowd to jump up and down in-between. It was a real pleasure to see them perform; still fit and lean and hungry, willing to do all the moves and trying their best (poor Ricky Bell really struggled vocally though) to belt out the tunes the way we remembered them. With Bobby Brown, in contrast, it was evident that bad behaviour was very near the surface. From the introduction, where he had to be coaxed out by his 'brothers' who seemed under contract to hype him up and kept referring him as the 'King of the Stage'. Throughout the concert, he had to be motivated by his back up singers who yelled out his name out of the blues every once in a while. It was comical when he tried to dance, and very evident after a while that Bobby wasn't going to last long enough to play enough of his hits to satiate the crowd. So we left, not as full as we would have been with the full crew on stage, but still it was a great night. And that was only the first day! More soon...

So how was your day?

R28's BBD & Bobby Brown Show = Q**S*V* Overall* - the 15k seats at the balcony were some of the best in the house and the show was great, but at 10k for the cheapest ticket and a limited line up it was a bit dear.

Inside Speak - a definition

So,

As we get to know each other better, and we shall, we need to establish some ground rules and introduce some of the lingo that will grace these pages.

First, please do not use these pages for personnel vendettas or to malign anyone. That would not be tolerated. This forum is for consumers to express themselves and let their voice be heard as they discuss the fare on offer in the market place by public and private offices.

Secondly, we need to calibrate the expression of our pleasure (or displeasure) so we can fully appreciate each others relative value of our experiences. So I give to you the definition of pleasure InsideLagos style.
 


Lesson 1 - For when you are happy

• 1 star (*) = meets expectation     or      una try 
• 2 stars     = better than expected  or      una do well
• 3 stars     = excellent                    or      una too much

Lesson 2 - For when you are blue

• 1 blackmark (-) = below par        or      why now?
• 2 blackmarks     = poor                or      wowo
• 3 blackmarks     = to be avoided  or      e don pass be careful

Lesson 3 - Our Metrics

• Quality          - finishing/taste/experience
• Service          - professionalism/timeliness/courtesy
• Value for money 
• Overall score - average of the 3

Lesson 4 - Our Ratings (Stars)

• *     Safe bet                        or      e no bad
• **   Highly recommended  or      nice one
• *** A must                         or      no miss am

Lesson 5 - Our Ratings (Blackmarks)

• -    If you must                   or      manage am
• --  Better missed                or      no worry yourself
• --- Best avoided                 or      no even try am

Lesson 6 - Tasty Sides

• ♥  InsideLagos loves 
• ☺ InsideLagos likes 
• ☹  InsideLagos dislikes 
• ☀  InsideLagos hopes for
• ?  InsideLagos asks
• ☁   Pet peeves

So how was your day?

 

Twenty two dollar spaghetti

The best muffins in Lagos? Have to be the banana muffins at The Ice Cream Factory in VI. It was like a bad joke. Like one of those situations that you are in where you look around for some sign that you are on Nigeria's version of Candid Camera. Looking at the bill and blinking didn't make the figures any clearer. Sure I could see them, but could not understand what they meant. Three thousand five hundred Naira for a kids size portion of spaghetti. The waiter, who had been pleasant all along up to that moment and was working his way up to a nice tip, stood there and repeated my bill in words I am sure were as foreign to him as they were to him. Three k five for a portion of spaghetti? Seriously? I counted out the cash in a daze, handing it over meekly to him, still expecting him to suddenly realize his mistake and hand back a significant portion of change, apologizing profusely all the time. What did happen was him confidently collecting the money, snapping the wallet the offending bill game in closed and dissappearing behind a door. As I walked out, I saw a manager type by the bar and tried to engage him in conversation. Alas there was a language barrier, so a senior waiter attempted to translate for us. In the end it was I who did the translating, and then realised the fact that I had just paid $22 for a small portion of plain, al dente spaghetti which accompanied a dish that tasted more of salt than anything else. To be fair to the establishment, they quickly realized that three thousand five hundred wasn't a reasonable fare for the fare offered, and admitted a mistake had been made. This further disturbed this customer, as this was an admition of them overcharging me for my meal, so point made, I beat a retreat to the safety of my car where there was no danger of being charged for the air I would breathe. The waiter did rush out to hand me back one thousand and five hundred Naira, but by then the damage had been done. So no more Italian for a while me thinks. $13 spaghetti is still a bit to rich for my blood. Inside view: Il Soriso - (out of three stars)quality =1, service =1.5, value =0.5 Pet peeve of the day - establishments who do not respect their own queue management systems and allow people to cut the line. First Bank Marina please take note. So how was your weekend?

Welcome inside...

Lagos! Nigeria's city of dreams. One has to be connected to make it in Abuja, but everyone has a chance in this bustling, hustling, jostling metropolis; this city of opportunity and tears. Lagos, ye friend to the wise but ruthless teacher to those none the wiser.

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