Terra Kulturing

I like Terra Kulture; I really do. Perhaps though I like the idea of what it represents more than what it actually is. For example they promote Nigerian cuisine and this is supposed to be the place you take your 'oyinbo' friends for a taste of Nigeria. Still I'd rather take mine to Yellow Chilli or if they had a sterner constitution perhaps even Jevinik. I find the dodo is hardly every ripe, and their stew rather bland and they garnish their white rice with raw diced green peppers (who does that?). On the other hand they also give greater access to the theartre and their plays are of a good standard, but every show does seem like a matinee version of some grander performance.

The art upstairs is a great detour whilst waiting for a friend or for food, however labels of many are often missing and there is no information on the artists' whose works are on display. The library, which houses many obscure nuggets of African culture and history (I once saw a book on the housing market in Lagos the 182 thousand Naira) has no system or logic to how it is arranged, so finding anything means scouring every shelf in hope. Now I'm not trying to put them down, really I'm not, for it is in the summation of these individually flawed parts that one gets a special package. They are the little engine that can but is not yet there. The crooked glass tops on the outdoor tables do give concern that they may not be paying enough attention to detail anymore, but one could forgive them for having at least one eye on the larger structure they are erecting next door to their current facility.

So keep up the good work Bolanle Austen-Peters.

Blowfish - Public Toilet or Restaurant?

Chopaholic had a hankering for pasta a few weeks ago and took my besto to Blowfish. We had been there a few times before and had good memories of the food. Parking as always was an issue, as Blowfish is a popular sunbathing spot and on this particularly hot afternoon there were the usual suspects strewn across deck beds stretching out like lizards on a large stone on a sunny day. After parking in a position and manner one was not particularly proud of, we went in and sat at a corner table. The waiter came over in reasonable time (why do they congregate around the bar and avoid eye contact with the customers?) and presented us with unfamiliar menus. To our dismay, Italian food was no longer on the menu, having been replaced by a medley of Continental, Indian and Thai fare. We were informed by our waiter that Italian food was now being prepared in an upper section outside the main restaurant building by the pool, but we were unwilling to expose ourselves to any more sunshine and mercifully he quickly proferred the solution to serve us from that kitchen in our cooler location. A second set of menus appeared but the dish we wanted wasn't on it, so we attempted to recreate it by adding some bacon (everything is  better with bacon the Americans say) to one of their new dishes. This is where the trouble started as for ten minutes we could not get the cost of this simple addition.

I had already placed my order with the first waiter whilst we waited for another waiter from the Italian section to tell us the cost of the addtional bacon (wasn't going to be charged for $20 pasta again) who promptly told us on his arrival that he didn't know! I couldn't believe he walked all the way down just to tell us that. After consulting with his chef and some swarthy manager type person, a price of about a thousand Naira was mentioned. By then we were very hungry and told them to go ahead and prepare the dish, ready to make a big fuss if the price turned out to be ridiculous.

With that sorted, I decided to wash my hands and sought out the rest rooms which were right next to restaurant, and I mean right next to it as in 3 meters away and in plain sight. I had assumed that like most places it would be tucked away somewhere, but somehow in this purpose built facility this was not the case. As I approached the pair of his and hers toilets, I could not tell which door to go into as both where wide open and I could not see the signs. Peering in, I found the right one and quickly washed my hands, shutting the door behind me as I left. As soon as I had done that, to my surprisea staff of the establishment came up and opened it again. When I asked him why he did that he told me that was the instruction he had been given, and as he did not seem to have the capacity to explain why I did not pursue the matter further with him. I did speak to the swarthy manager who tried to convince me that they found it more convenient to keep the doors open as patrons often did not know when the toilets were occupied. Aghast, I asked him if he had ever seen the door knobs that showed when a toilet was in use from the outside and how surprised I was that they would open up a toilet into an area where people ate. It didn't seem swarthy manager's apology was sincere and that he understood what the fuss was about (he wasn't Nigerian in case you were wondering) and I am not sure my protests made a difference.

Some bread came finally (we were told it would be complimentary by the waiter downstairs who later came back and told us it would be a thousand bucks) and it was pretty tasty with the fancy butter that accompanied it. When the meal was served we only received one plate of food as the first waiter did not pass my order on to the second, but at this point we were grateful to get something so we wolfed down the pasta, chicken and bacon together and scarpered.

Food was tasty, but service as is often the case left a lot to be desired, plus we also didn't take kindly to eating in a toilet (I felt I could smell it once I knew it was there!).

Our ratings...

 Our Metrics

• Quality - finishing/taste/experience = (*)
• Service - professionalism/timeliness/courtesy = (--)
• Value for money = (*)
• Overall score - average of the 3 = par for the course.

Our Ratings

(-) If you must or manage am

If you must/manage am but eat as far away from the toilet as you can.

Metrics Legend

• 1 star (*) = meets expectation or una try
• 2 stars = better than expected or una do well
• 3 stars = excellent or una too much 
• 1 blackmark (-) = below par or why now?
• 2 blackmarks = poor or wowo
• 3 blackmarks = to be avoided or e don pass be careful

No more to bad service

Today, everything changes. Today we start afresh. Today we rededicate ourselves to God and the  mission of not accepting crap service coupled with the excuse that 'we are in Nigerian now, what do you expect?'. Well I expect more, much more. Nigerians have shown that they can excel in any culture and habitat in the world. If you go any where in the world and don't see either Coca Cola or a Nigerian, I suggest you back your bags and leave. It doesn't matter if there are Indians or Chinese people there; no Nigerians? That's a seal of approval, that real betta dey.

So how come that whilst we can be so great (though alas often we excel in being very bad too) in so many different countries that we settle in, that we give our selves such poor service and standards in our own country. We appreciate all the fine things that the world has to offer, but never expect or demand the same at home. We need to repatriate this passion, this finesse, this culture back home. A culture of expecting to be treated courteously when giving a merchant your custom. A culture of expecting straight lines and well finished work as a minimum standard and not a delight. A culture of not having to stand over every craftsman to ensure things are done right.

A few things I have learnt that may be of use to you if you are looking for a service provider in Lagos, where it seems our artisans and vendors and almost always in a hurry and happy to cut corners.

1. Get a referral from someone that you trust has similar standards as you, and ask about the relationship of the vendor with your referee as sometimes the vendor does only good work for some people and mediocre work for others. Always get a second (or more) opinion if you can.
2. Never pay in full before the job is done; keep enough money back so you have some leverage to negotiate with if the job is not done to your satisfaction. Be clear if there is going to be any retention money or bonus tied to a deliverable (quality, time line etc).
3. Never trust the words 'trust me'. Make sure that they give you a sample or show you work done
4. Go through the specifications and instructions in detail. Get them to write it down if they can, and if not write it out yourself. Never leave them to make creative decisions for your unless they have provend themselves.
5. Get a break down of all the material, men and time required for the job. People often get ripped off on materials so check amount proposed and verify costs, and if possible supply materials yourself. You need to be sure they have thought through the resources required for the job adequately so there is no waste or inefficiency, which you pay for in the end.
6. Don't expect that they know what is right or how to execute the job, so check that they have a well thought out plan to execute the works.
7. It might sound silly, but if you can, call  them before they come, check the work plan and ensure they turn up with all the tools required. You'd be amazed how often they do not.
8. Do not in any circumstances leave them unsupervised. Check their work at least 3 times, just before commencement to confirm they fully understand what you require, once during their estimated middle of the work, and close to the end
9. Do not ask other domestic workers in your home to supervise, they most often cannot give any direction and even if they could they may not be listened to.

Don't despair, there are good workers out there, and even if there aren't with some precautions like those above, we can make them better.